VENT

soo youve entered my personal diary & yeahh im letting you read it<3

9/26—-soo this is my entry and tomorrow just happens to be my birthday….ill be 17. gosh how the years have FLOWN by. i feel like im in the same place i was in when i was like 14… everything around me is growing and im just going no where. i wanna feel accomplished for once, i wanna not worry about how i look, what i eat, what other people think about me.. but that seems to be impossible for me. everyone around me yells at me like one huge monster in my hear all the time “dont cut anna” “you have to eat anna” “stop saying those things about yourself anna” sometimes i tell myself those things… but then again there is apart me screaming for the rush of it. i love having ‘control’ over what i do…but id just LOVE to have control over my life..

   i realize i need to start thinking differently in order to get better and step away from these horrible additions i have. but its easier said then done, but i have a awesome support group and im just gonna take it ‘one day at a time’. 

dear diary, 9/28

   yesterday was my birthday and it was amazing. i couldnt of asked for anything more perfect. i felt center of attention all day….in a good way. it was perfect & i couldnt be more thankful for the people that love me. 

   today however was a different story, i found out that hes talking to someone- stupid i know.. why do i even care? why do i even still think about him? its been so long and i havent even talked to him since.. but when i found out that he liked her, i felt worthless. stupid. and ugly. really ugly. i just want to be the one he wants, i want to finally be good enough. for someone. its been so long since ive feltt that feeling when you have a boyfriend and everythings perfect to you, maybe not anyone else, but your life feels perfect & nothing and NO ONE can bring you down. he tells you your pretty & he says he loves you. and right then and there you feel those things. i wanna have that again. - god today was just bad. i sound stupid. bye.

10/11

im kinda late but oh well.

life has been going on lately, with make up work and just trying to keep myself from those things that hurt me. its so stressful at school, everyday i feel like i have to hide and its such a hasel.ive realized when people say things like “omg i want to kill myself” i find it to make me feel stupid….i wish i was one of those people who could joke about something so big. i know they dont mean anything by it though.

i feel like i need to help and reach out to people i see hurting, because no one reached out to me that day.. & i would never wish anything i went through on anyone.. EVER. i just want to save everyone..i wish it wasnt so hard.

things are looking better though, people are smiling at me again wether its out of sympathy or not… i like it. ive finally let go of friendship that were keeping me from being the best i can be. 

i still feel like somethings missing though, i dont know what it is. 

hopefully this homecoming thing goes well as planned cause i dont wanna look fat in my dress or something or have my makeup done wrong to turn around my whole day. i wanna have fun without looking at them together and making me upset…thinking about the past… im over him, i have to be…its only been a year….fml

ive got hella makeup work and its all laying on my bed in front of me as i type this…i dont even wanna touch it….i just wanna throw it away or pay someone to do it for me……stressstressstresssssssssssssssss